It's Raining Kool Aid and Hailing Poop!

Yesterday Sienna our almost 3 year old learned how to open the doors that have the childproof doorknob covers on them. There are two big problems with this. The first problem is the obvious fear that she will get outside and the issue of her (and her twin brother) entering rooms we don't want them in. The second problem with this, and this is the big one, is we use these covers on the inside of their doors to keep them in their rooms during naptime and at night (I know... we are terribly abusive parents!)! We are especially concerned about her getting up in the night and us not hearing her. The 1st thing she does after opening her door is open her twin brothers door to let him out, and believe me... he is trouble with a capital T! Last night there were no escapes thankfully, but this afternoon they were up and out of their rooms from naptime an hour earlier then normal and I was NOT ready. Gavin immediately grabbed my teenagers large cup of blue Kool Aid and dumped it all over the floor! After cleaning up that disaster I sat down to change diapers/pull ups and Sienna decided to yank off her poop filled pull up with force and I was hit in the chest... 3 times.... with poop! Did you here me!!!!! I was shot at.....with poop!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! GAH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I think moms of multiples or moms with more than three kids ( I fit in both those categories) should have an ongoing prescription for Xanax until the youngest child or in my case children turns 18. Just sayin....

Suicidal Fish...

I left my teenager to babysit while I went to run errands. As I was hurrying out the door I realized I hadn't turned the fish tank light on or fed the fish. I left immediately after feeding the fish and about 30 minutes later I get a text message from my teenager. Its a picture of a dead fish in his hand with a message underneath saying Ethan (6yr old) found this on the floor! I'm assuming it jumped out of the tank without me noticing when I opened the lid to feed the fish. It's pretty sad that my house is so crazy that even the fish are committing suicide! We've had that stupid $2.00 fish for 2 years! He got tired of watching the madness through the glass and decided he could no longer wait for old age and offed himself!

My Mini Van Is A Torture Chamber

I always hear other moms talking about loving the time they spend in the car with their kids. The wonder from their children when they see something new out the window, the wonderful talks they get to have, the one on one time. Not this Mommy!!! My mini van is a mini torture chamber! Today Ethan my 6 year old came with me to run errands. As soon as the car door slammed shut I felt like I was in prison. These are just a few of the statements/questions brought up in the car today:
-Do wolves like people?
-Do scorpions like people?
-Do scorpions have wives?
-If they don't like people how can they have wives?
-Is it because venomous creatures only like other venomous creatures?
-Are spiders wild animals? Because they live in the wild you know. Except their not animals they are arachnids so I guess they can't be wild animals right?
-When I'm a Dad I'm going to move to China to study Kung Fu
-Have you ever been to China?
-When we move again is it going to be to China?
-Can you say any words in Chinese?
-How come I'm not allowed to pee in the yard?
-If you don't want me to pee in the yard you need to make a sign. First you need to cut out a hexagon shape, paint it red, write Stop! Do Not Pee In The Yard and then I'll know not to pee in the yard.
-I'm telling you Mommy the only way I'm going to know not to pee in the yard is if there's a sign
-No really Mommy, we're going to need a sign
-When our dogs die and go to Heaven can we get a cat?
-When our fish die do they go to Heaven too?
-I'd really like to be able to pee in the yard
- What about when I get out of the pool? Can I pee in the yard then? I don't think you want me getting the rugs wet when I get out of the pool, so you should let me pee in the yard.
-You let the puppy's pee in the yard
As we pulled into the grocery store (our 3rd stop) I looked at my handsome little boy and said "Ethan, I swear if you ask me one more question I'm going to punch you in the nose!" He responded by giggling uncontrollably. Sigh... at least one of us was having fun.

She Peed On The Table?! Thank God!!!!

We are in potty training hell! At least that's what it feels like at the moment. My little girl is extremely hard headed and stubborn (I can't imagine where she gets that from!) and some days she will use the potty just fine and other days she will stare you right in the eyes and let the pee run down her legs. We have been having a let the pee run down her legs week! As if these all day long accidents weren't bad enough, we also have wall to wall carpeting. Sigh... Thankfully we own our own steam cleaner (a house with 5 kids and 2 dogs you really have to own one) and I steam clean the messes away all day long. Even though it is convenient to have the steam cleaner, its still a pain to drag it out, clean the carpet and then clean out the steam cleaner itself. Yesterday as I walked out of the laundry room there was my little princess standing on top of the kitchen table! As I yelled at her to get down (yes we yell... a lot! No Dr. Phil methods for this family!) I noticed the back of her shorts were wet. I walk over to my kitchen table and discovered a big puddle of pee... on my kitchen table! And I was thrilled!!!!! I thought to myself oh thank God she peed on the table.... Now I don't have to lug out the steam cleaner! We will just add that statement to the long list of things I never thought I would say before having children! And now for a little Mommy payback... The rest of my family gets to wonder if they are eating dinner on the pee spot. All I can say for sure is that she didn't pee where I sit ;)

Panty Checker

With potty training comes ups and downs, successes and failures, and oftentimes... embarrassment....for the parents. When my now 6 yr old was being potty trained and happened to be in a public restroom stall with me he would clap and yell as loudly as he could "Yay Mommy!! Good Job!" Sigh.... We are now in the process of potty training our 2 yr old daughter. I learned my lesson with yelling out praise and now keep it much quieter! She likes to wave and say "Bye Bye Peepee" when she flushes which is not too embarrassing in a public restroom. So it seems I have escaped potty training embarrassment with this one right? Nope! She keeps having accidents in her underwear :( I keep pulling out the waistband of her pants and saying "look at your beautiful panties, you don't want to get them wet do you?". Big mistake!!!!! She now periodically throughout the day runs up to me and pulls the waist of my pants down and says "Look Mommy, beautiful panties! No get them wet!" Sigh.... It seems we aren't going to be leaving the house for quite awhile for fear of having my panties checked in aisle 5 of the grocery store.

And The Orange Jumpsuit Goes To...

 All of my kids are smart. Of course they are, everyone's kids are smart right? Well except maybe Walmart mom (see previous post for description) her kids are questionable. But Ethan, our 6 yr old is the kind of smart that scares you. The kind that makes you know that he's going to be smarter then you before he gets to High School, hell maybe even before he gets to Middle School! He talks like an old man and uses very big words correctly. The other day he came home from school and asked me how my day was. I told him I had a bad day with the twins and he said "Well that's unfortunate Mommy". What?! What 6 year old talks like that ?! I look at him and know that he will some day be a doctor or lawyer or some kind of "ologist" or.... he will be a career criminal. Because lets face it... he's smart enough to pull it off. You can find many parenting books out there that will tell you how to help develop your child's talents, strengths and even their IQ, but you will not find one book out there that will tell you how to keep them from using that intelligence for criminal activity. Do you think Bernie Madoffs mother looked at her smart little boy and thought to herself "I bet he's going to grow up to steal millions of dollars some day". No, I'm sure that thought never occurred to her. If she were alive to ask, I'm sure she would not be able to tell you how things went so terribly wrong for her son, just as the mother of a now successful adult can't tell you exactly where she went right. I guess all you can do is hope and try to tuck away your fears as best as possible. Because I promise you, your children can smell your fear and they feed off of it :)

The Walmart Mom

I posted this a little while back on my Facebook page but thought it was important to repost here because we all have those days.

Some days I feel like a pretty good mom & some days I feel like a shitty mom... But today... Today I feel like the Walmart mom. You know, the one who's toddler is running through the store like a crazed lunatic wearing no pants with what looks like 3 days worth of snot and food crusted on their face. And she's in dirty sweatpants with hair that hasn't seen a brush in a week and you think where the hell is CPS when you need them! Yup I feel like that mom today!

And so we begin....

For as long as I have been a parent I have been more then willing to share my parenting disasters with others. If I had a dollar for every time someone told me I should write a book or have my own reality show... I would be way to busy spending my millions to have time to write this. Usually I laugh, agree and then forget all about it. Until today.... Today was particularly rough with my kiddos. We are trying to potty train our two year old twins and there was pee EVERYWHERE! Combine the pee with our normal daily disasters and it was an extra difficult day. As I was holding my adorable two year old sons hand and walking him to his room for bedtime, I suddenly had an overwhelming urge to push him into the wall. There... I said it. I wanted to push my beautiful baby boy right into the wall and he wasn't even doing anything wrong at the moment. After I put him and his sister to bed (no wall pushing occurred) I thought to myself "I can't be the only one who feels this way, there must be others out there too, fighting off the urge to bounce their kid off the wall for no good reason!". And it was in that moment I decided today is the day. I am going to write about it. I'm going to put my parenting truths out there for the world to see. This is everything you will never see in the What to Expect books, because if the truth was out there...nobody would have children :)